I am so happy that I just have to tell everyone! College is about the hardest struggle I have ever come past. Just as I'm sure with many other people, I'm not rich lol My goal was to actually go to Minnisota State University Moorehead. I visited the college a couple years ago and absolutly fell in love with it. I was deteremined to go there. After a lot of hard work to get my grades in order (making up for previous years of not caring) I finally got accepted. Come to find out though it is far from cheap to go to a four-year university. I was crushed when I admitted my defeat and almost gave up on colloge period. But I came across this small quiet college in Richland Center were I could attend for two years and get my associates degree then transfer to UW-Whitewater and finish my schooling to get my MhD in Psychology. I am very pleased and extatic to say that i begin classes September 2nd. Amazingly, (with a lot of loans) I am even able to afford to go to college. I just bought a new car that will get me back and forth for the next two years. Sadly though it took all of my summers savings. On the upside, my mom volunteered to pay for my laptop! Over all, after months and months of stress and worry and panic, everything seems like it will be ok. Even more exciting news, my boyfriend declared that once we both finish our gen-eds, he wants to marry me! EXCITING NEWS!!!! I guess everything does come to those who wait and don't give up.  Yippiii!

Today, I am me.
Who knows what I will be tomarrow or who I was yesterday.
Today, I am free.
Finally, I am free to smile and laugh and giggle for no reason but to be happy
Today, I am at peace.
I have no desire to fight  or yell or cry because I know who I am.
Tomarry may be different.
But today I am myself.
I have no reason to please anyone but me.
Today, I do not care about your problems
Tomarrow, you can cry on my shoulder like you did yesterday.
But today, today is mine
and today, I will love myself like I loved you yesterday
and like I will love you tomarrow
Today, I am me
I am free and at peace
I am myself
and I am happy

In my town there is this really big bluff that goes so high you can see the whole township. Climbing up it, the first half consists of just going up trails but the second half makes you think about where your going. The hike is definently an experience for me since I am far from a rock climber. Usually, I do need help getting up on some of the tall ledges and sometimes it's scary because in some areas you feel as if you should be wearing protective gear and ropes. But in the end it is all worth it. At the top, you feel almost as if you can touch the sky. Eagles with nest near by fly in circles around you. I have never felt more free then when I stand on the highest rock and close my eyes. The wind traps me and holds me in time and when I open my eyes I see not a rock that I am standing on, no ground under me. I am higher then the trees underneath me and flying in the wind. Nothing and no one can touch me.

So I'm caught in a hard time of my life right now. I am a girl with so many big dreams. Part of me, dreams of saving the world. Living day to day caring about other children and helping then to develope and grow into future generations. I see myself going to school and getting my masters degree in psychology, a whole long 8 years about. I know I am a person who can accomplish so many things in my life, great things and I am fully confident that I will make a difference in this world.
But the other part of me wants nothing more then to settle down and start my family. I want to be a mother...I want to be able to feel that miracle of something living inside of me. I want to cry for no reason because my hormones are whack and have my lover loose all selfcontrol because I cant keep my mood swings in order. I want people to stair at me as I walk down the street and quietly whisper, "Wow, she's big!" I want to feel the excitement and pain of going into labor. And the broken hearts as I watch my child grow older.
I've never been in such a complicated state of mind
I dont think i could ever have both dreams

I might sound wierd, but I don't think that anything makes me secure. This world if filled with constant torchers, I am one of those unfortunate enough to not be able to protect myself, at all. Every day people find more and more ways to torture and hurt and haunt others. How could you possibly ever feel secure in an environment. Every night when I walk to my car I have to check under it  and inside of it and I always have my phone out and ready just in case something else unexpected comes along. My biggest fear is rape.  I mean honestly, what could protect you from a gang rape? Nothing. So how can you feel secure when your living is a place like this?

Ok so in class today we were discussing how it would be in our society if instead of teaching and learning about wars, we were taught about peace. If children were taught about peace, would they be less likely to fight and feel so much anger. What I questioned was, and what my teacher couldn't answer, Is it really possible to teach peace? If anyone has any idea's, I would like to know! This is an interesting question that really racks my mind...

Slowly, I can hear your breathing animate
As you trace the tips of your fingers
along my delicate skin

Crossing boundries
Nearing places
that are impermissible
when eyes of strangers
see our youth

Words are desultory now
Lost in the communication of our bodies
Afraid to touch
Yet to desire that feeling
of being lost
out of control
unable to stop

And as our lips depart
for all but a second
to stair into your eyes
The heat becomes
over-whelming
as your lips
explore other regions
of my body

Speaking becomes unattainable
when sexual hunger
can no longer be restrained
When pleasure is pain
and pain is pleasure
of feelings so deep
and finger tips
down your back

The body of a God
Strong
Astute
Flawless

For a second
the world
stops

Though my eyes are closed
I can feel your presence
Your lips on shoulder
Your warm breaths on my skin
and you hold me
as if we
were one

You're not good enough
Foolish girl when are you going to learn
Your stupid, a damned idiot
You're weak and fragile

Are you crying?
Are those tears that I see?
You big fat baby
You're tears don't matter

You're not good enought
Foolish girl when are you going to learn
Your stupid, a damned idiot
You're weak and fragile

It's not like anybody cares about you anyways.
You are a nobody
Your always going to be a nobody
Just give up

You're not good enough
Foolish girl when are you going to learn
You're stupid, a damned idiot
You're weak and fragile

You have no freinds
Nobody loves you
Everyone hates you
They want you to be gone

You're not good enough
Foolish girl when are you going to learn
You're stupid, a damned idot
Your weak and fragile

You're broken

 

                I am a strong believer that every person has their own purpose in life. For some people, that purpose may be hidden within themselves, just waiting to be found. For me, my purpose has always been very clear. My purpose in life is to help people. There is nothing I love more than seeing a smile I encouraged on a person's face. That is all the gratification that I need to make myself feel complete.

 

My actions have always shown the love and passion that I have for helping others. Previously, I have volunteered my help in many cancer benefits to raise money for the Lyndon Station Cancer Foundation. Last year, I helped to deliver donated Christmas presents to the elderly people that had little family and little money. In the near future, I am attending college at Minnesota State University of Moorhead. During my years in college I plan to study education and psychology.

 

 As a teacher, my goal is to teach not only lessons out of a book, but lessons in life. Many inner city children struggle with teachers that are not dedicated enough to their students. It is obvious that when students see that it is ok for their peers not to be dedicated, that means it is ok for students not to be dedicated also. Inner city students need a strong remodel that is not afraid of a challenge. I intend to be exactly that. As a psychologist, I would like to take all of my life experiences and put them into use. My past has given me a story that I would love to share as a mental health psychologist, associated with substance abuse, suicide, divorce, and other problems that teenagers suffer with today. With my personal experience and researched knowledge, I feel that I could help those who feel helpless.   

 

For some people, a life long job is about the good pay and promising promotions. The two jobs that I just described give me both. Payments are not always received in money; the largest paycheck I could receive is to see one of my students graduate or a healthy client. A promising promotion would be to see the smile on a person's face and a simple thank you to let me know that I have done my job. Only then could I be rich in gratification and promote myself in life. To me, the most important aspect of my life is the ability to change. I think that it is a beautiful thing for people to go from the wrong path, to the right path. Every person can have a reason to change; I am willing to devote my life to helping people find that reason. It is not about the money or the job labels, for me, it is about personal satisfaction. It is about smoothing down the road for those who have fallen off. I am hoping to give inspiration to those who have lost all hope in my hopes of letting everybody know that it is ok dream big. For those people who are to afraid to dream, I will take them on a journey through the clouds and let their dreams come to them.